2002

The darkness has ascended over me for days now. I fear for it is above me at this very moment as I write these words. I know this true and can attest to the gloom it sheds upon my surroundings. At first I did not recognize this force of darkness. It camouflaged its self in the beginning. My optimistic nature blinded me from its trueness. At first I thought that everything was coincidence. In reflection I see clear how this unfolds. Small but peculiar events were taking place. Unnoticed to me, yet like deja vu ^(1.) I felt familiarity with it. I once looked forward to weekends and outings. Especially my big Saturday Shopping Events. Suddenly things changed. The trips out of the house were met with extremely uncomfortable experiences. Each different yet somehow connected to each other.

One event from this era of time.

I am in my car and starting for school. School gets out soon. I know the traffic battles I face when I reach my daughters school. So I set out early to pick up my children. I am in the line of cars and this line is long and moving at a snails pace. A suburban is in front of me in the left turning lane just before the school entrance. The traffic light is clearly green yet this woman does not budge. She has nothing blocking her and still remains still. I give a nice friendly "beep" and hope that maybe she gets the hint and stops daydreaming. The light has turned yellow and she is still not moving. She is just sitting there looking at the air. Again I give a quick friendly tap of the horn "beep”. Finally she moves forward and makes the turn.

I barely make the light just behind her. I have no anger against her. I know sometimes we all have a daydream or daze. No big deal. She pulls far right when she turns getting behind the other cars in the line to get into the elementary school. I myself feel more comfortable just going into the main parking lot and walking in to get my kids. As I passed beside her car she honks her horn repeatedly. I slowed down not understanding what was going on. Perhaps a child was near my car. Not sure so I slowed down immediately. I looked at her in my rear view mirror. She is making hand gestures, very rude ones actually. Feeling angered I honked back at her. Then drove into the school and parked.

By the time I got out of my vehicle she was at the very bottom of the driveway. She is still yelling out to me and honking her horn. I am growing very impatient with this rude woman. I gave her a mean look and kept walking up the driveway. Right about the moment I step up to the curb she was at my side with her honking and rude comments. I was about flipped at this point. Forgetting where I am (school) I walk nearer and told her to shut the fuck up. This only made her louder and much worse. I knew there was little reason for this stupid argument about her driving. So I turned around and started to go get my kids. But, this woman wanted more of me. She revved her engine and tried to hit me with her car. I was so pissed off I walked up to her window and told her quietly only for her ears that she should watch what she is doing. "You should be careful and watch your ass" said in a deep quiet whisper. She of course laughed and chuckled and said the typical, “Scared of You! Ha! "

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(1.) dé•jà vu n : the experience of thinking that a new situation had occurred before.

Psychology.

The illusion of having already experienced something actually being experienced for the first time. An impression of having seen or experienced something before: Old-timers watched the stock-market crash with a distinct sense of déjà vu. Dull familiarity; monotony: the déjà vu of the tabloid headlines.